Grocery Envy

 I just returned from a wonderful trip back home.

I visited with friends and family, went sales tax-free (!) clothing shopping, attended a BEAUTIFUL wedding (bride: younger sister of one of my besties; groom: the 'Harold Hill' to my Senior year 'Marian the Librarian'), and was able to unwind in the wide-open spaces of Minnesota.

Don't we clean up nicely?

You'd never even know Rachel and I were climbing over the dessert table on our hands and knees placing flowers only an hour before.

Ahh, the things we do for (other peoples') love :)

More than anything, being back in Minnesota was a bit of a mental vacation. One I needed more than I realized.  

One night I drove up to Bloomington to spend the night at my best friend Maggie's new house. We decided to have a "Patio Party" since they had just gotten deck furniture for their backyard sitting space. 

Maggie and her boyfriend made a wonderful dinner, and halfway through I found myself getting strangely envious(?) of the bowl of bing cherries sitting on the table.

Out of nowhere I started talking about how really the only cherries I get these days are the Maraschinos that come in my Daiquiris.  I'm cheap when it comes to buying groceries here because everything is so bloody expensive, but still. I had never in my life looked at a fruit that necessitates you spit out its pit so longingly.

Maggie diagnosed it. I have severe "Grocery Envy."

It's so true. 

My groceries consist of the same 8-10 items each time I go shopping. Why don't I branch out, you ask?

Well, A) I'm obsessively compulsive about staying within my grocery budget and B) I have to carry these groceries up 3 flights of stairs, so, I've got a pretty good handle on what I can and can't haul up without dropping something or breaking a finger. It's frustrating, not to mention morally difficult deciding between which I need more each week: MILK or WINE?

So, this week, in an attempt to self-medicate, I bought a pack of Fudgesicles. Yep, mindblowingly exciting........

This whole "Grocery Envy" led me to realize I also had "Patio Envy," "Car in the Garage Envy" and "No-Jackhammers-Right-Outside-Your-Window-At-8am Envy."

But, seeing as I was home for a solid 9 days, I made sure to get my fix of all things envy-inducing. 

Yes, it was a mental vacation.... But also a mental kick in the ass.

During the last few months I've found myself becoming more and more homesick. 

Ick. I even hate typing the word "homesick" out. 

I'm on my way to doing what I love here in NYC, but I began asking myself how much could I even love what I'm doing if I'm missing the people back home so much it literally hurts? How many times could I mentally handle getting home from work at 3AM, only to find that I can't unzip my own dress, get really frustrated/stupidly emotional and resigning myself to sleeping it? (True story)

How long can I keep going with 98% of my support system 1,200 miles away?

Well, I still don't have an answer to those questions, but I did have a handful of great conversations with people who understand my big dream, understand where I come from, understand what I'm feeling and understand the mess these things make when combined.

I was telling two of my very favorite people, over a fruit tart w/ NO CHERRIES, that I feel I've reached a glass ceiling in this level of the "Act On TV" game. I can clearly see what's beyond the glass and feel I'm close to breaking through, but I'm pushing and pushing and not getting anywhere. And, like trying in vain to unhinge my shoulders so I could unzip that stupid white dress, that makes me frustrated and overly-emotional and sometimes, really just ready to call it a day.

I received the following no-nonsense directive:

"Stop pushing and start throwing rocks."

I laughed, and then thought for a second. Duh. To Hell with decorum. I'm going to start throwing some  rocks. And then move onto large, early 1990s-model television consoles if I have to.

I was reminded that all things have an "end time," and that it's ok whenever you reach that. Life's about compromise and figuring out what you really want, even if what you really want is something you ran away from at one point in time. 

So, yeah. Minnesota was a good time. Many thanks to all those who I had great chats with, provided meals that didn't take the form of peanut butter and for helping me find the motivation and inspiration for these up-coming months.

XO.

Oh, and in other news, I'm still doing a lot of background work, preventing my "Boardwalk Empire" children (and myself) from being kicked in the face by camels... 

(that's my "They Don't Pay Me Enough For This" face....)

 and waiting for my demo reel to be finished.

Oh, and waiting for this to air! I think my stint as Jane Fonda's assistant appears in the 3rd episode..... Stay  tuned. 

~~~~~~